U.F.P. Delegation

Tired of this sycophantic bullshit.

“All rise, for the Right Honourable, the High Lord Marvin!”

[synthesized trumpets]

[walking in] “Bah. ShudDUP you shits. An’ sit THE FUCK down. Yeah. Right now. Jeezus. Have to be the leader of the goddamn free worlds and y’all are standing up. Can’t sit down to business if yer all standin’. Gods.”

“Your Eminence . . .”

“Can it. What’s the problem this time?”

“Four days ago, one of the far planets issued a petition to Your Excellency for independence. It just arrived by radio.”

“So give it to them.”

“Sir . . . ?”

“They depend on us for Plutonium; there’s none in the outer reaches, and it’s cold as balls there. The Sun doesn’t even matter. They’ll be begging us for another core inside of a month.”

“. . . I will make it so.”

[sighs, exasperated] “Anything else?”

“Um. The governor of Afro-Eurasia is in from Earth on complaint of neglect.”

“NEGLECT? By Hades. What the hell do I have to do? Kiss each planet goodnight???”

“Your Grace . . .”

“Will you fucking STOP. Ughhhh. Fine. Send him in.”


“A bad mood, Percy. This had better be good.”

“Majesty, we of the United Nations feel as though more direct assistance in our regional matters would be of superior impact to our governance. Specifically, we—”

“Hold it. There’s no U.N. My father dissolved it, remember? Fucking gone. Capiche?”

“Your Grace, to your will we bow, but the local administration requires a title. We had chosen the old honorific in deference, and for convenience. Certainly, we had no aim to offend royal sensibilities.”

[rolls eyes] “Get on with it.”

“Sir. We resubmit to your consideration our proposal to move the United Federation of Planets headquarters to Earth, or at least to low Earth orbit. We feel that—”

“NO. I made this perfectly goddamn clear last time. You’ve asked me what, four times now? I made my decision then, and I stick to it.”

“But Sir! At that time you were just fourteen!”

“And now I’m eighteen. Four times, Percy. In as many years. I’m sick of your Terran shit.”

“Think about the politics!”

“Yeah, politics.”


“Tell you what, Percy. You’re too inquisitive and impetuous to be a mere governor.”

[eyes widen] “You mean . . . ?”

“Yes, Percy. Call the Vice-Governor. Tell him he’s the new Governor.”

[doing so] “Sir, I thank—”

“GODS will you all ever shut up? I can barely think through all this clatter. It’s hard enough running twenty-odd planets and moons without your drivel.”

“It is done, Your Excellency. Vice-Governor Mendez will ascend to the Governorship upon receipt of my message in a light-hour or so.”

[takes sidearm] “Good, good. Now DIE.”

[an explosion and gasps around the courtroom]

“Sick of your shit, Percy.”

[no answer]

[in the doorway, whispered] “See? Instability. Soon . . .”